Take Me Lord

Home...just the word gives me a warm, mushy feeling inside.

I have fond memories of home; for me it was hot chocolate chip cookies when I got off the school bus, a mother who took care of me when I was sick, a father who would sit beside my bed and talk to me during my difficult and rebelous teenage years, a brother who sat beside my bed, watched me sleep, and cleaned up ????? (well you know) after an evening of way too much fun. It's decorating the Christmas tree as a family, it's trying to fit 30 people at the table when it only seats 8 on Thanksgviving Day, it's the hugs you received after a break with your first boyfriend, it was waking up to Sizzlean everymorning when Dad was off, it was the countless bloodsuckers removed from my legs and feet everytime I went to the lake to swim. Home! It was all the times I would complain I had no clothes and Mom would step into my closet and say, "just where this and when you get home from school we'll go shopping", it was the smell of homemade doughnights frying, and the it was the day my Dad took me out to drive for the very first time.

Home! It was a feeling of belonging, a placed I felt accepted, it was a place I knew I could be myself no matter what, it was a place where love abounded and I knew, no matter what the circumstance, I could always go HOME!

I am not sure why sometimes in life you go through seasons where that feeling of home is just gone. You feel displaced. No matter where you go and no matter what you do you just don't feel home. It's like everything that you once knew is now gone...you search and search and yet still do not find and your heart just longs for that feeling of home to return. A place to belong, a place you feel accepted and a place where love abounds.

I guess it's during these times that, for me at least, I find myself wanting to run. I want to run away from everything that doesn't feel right and find the thing or place that brings that feeling back. I think if we were all honest with ourselves and each other we would find we that all want to be accepted, loved and feel like we belong.

The longer you walk through this season it seems your heart aches even more until you finally get on your knees and cry out to God. You want answers; why is this happening, what have I done wrong, and my favorite, am in the right place, am I in God's will?

For me, the answer is always the same, God tells me over and over, "Yes, your in the right place", but for some reason I keep asking the same questions. I want that feeling and I guess if I had the feeling than I would be okay and then God says, "Sometimes you can't go on what you FEEL". OUCH!!! And I admit I don't like that because I want to FEEL because I think we are so programed that if feels good than its okay, but if it doesn't it can't be okay.

Might I be so bold to say that sometimes God brings us to places where you feel so along and are just so uncomfortable that you feel your sitting on a cactus. I don't know why, He just does. I know when I read the story about the children of israel wandering through the dessert they didn't always have happy feelings, but God was there and He provided for them many times and there was a purpose to the dessert experience. I guess I, like many, just want to see the beginning and the end. I want to know the why and it spins me out of control when I can't figure it out. Maybe God doesn't want me to figure it out...Hmmm! So, like the Children of Isreal, I complain and I continue to wander looking for that feeling of home.

Sometimes the things and places God has for us don't always look and feel right and just like the Children of Israel He has a purpose, there is an end, a prize. Sometimes we just have to become so unconfortable that we (I am speaking to me here) give up and lay it all down and say, "Okay God whatever you want, I lay me down, do your will, not mine, but yours be done. I lay down my plans, my dreams, my desires, my goals, my life, my family, my, my , my , my...I just want to be a vessal that you can work through. Take me Lord...I give it all up...for you.

Let Hope Arise

I want to stand on the edge of the highest mountain
And raise my hands toward heaven
I want to look out and see the world the way you see it
And I want to dance, totally abandoned, without fear of falling

I want to stand on the ocean shore
And lift my hands toward heaven
I want to experience your power and majesty
And I want to wade deep into the water and let love wash over me

Let Hope Arise
Put a new song in my heart and let it flow
Consume me
So that when others see me, they see only you.

The Rain Will Come

I can see the storm on the horizon
Dark clouds rolling in
Soon the rain will come


I can hear the thunder in the distance
The trees bend and sway
Soon the rain will come


I can see the lightning as it lights up the dark sky
All of creation seeks a shelter from the storm
Soon the rain will come


Lord, you are the only one who can satisfy
A broken vessel I come, desperately seeking you
Come and quench this dry and thirsty land
Send Your rain, fill my life, and heal my heart

Into Your Presence I Come

The cares of life have brought me to my knees
The place you want me to be.

My strength is gone
And I think to myself, I can not go on.

My heart is empty, my purpose is gone
But in the darkest night, you wake me with a song.

Into your presence I come
Into your arms I run.
Into your eyes I eyes I gaze
Giving you all the praise.

You have given me strength in the darkest night
That I might press on to win this fight.

You have placed your hand upon my heart
And promised you would not depart.

You have wispered tenerly in my ear
And told me not fear.

Into your presence I come
Into your arms I run
Into your eyes I gaze
Giving you all the praise.

You have a plan for me
Even though I do not see

In your time you will open the door
And with hope and purpose I will soar.

Your words of healing, freedom, and hope to proclaim
Peace, love, joy and no more shame!

Into your presence I come
Into your arms I run
Into your eyes I gaze
Giving all the praise.

Happy Birthday Wade!

Today is your 37th birthday! I can only imagine, you will be celebrating in style today!


It is still very hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that you won't be here with us and even more difficult to hold back all the tears that still fill my heart. It has been almost 11 months since your life here on earth ended and your life in heaven began. You would think after all this time the pain would have dulled just a little, but I have to tell you, the pain is still just as great today as the day I answered the phone and Daddy told me the news. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!


I can look over my life and pinpoint events and days that changed my life forever; like the day we moved away from family and friends to start a new life in Connecticut, or the day Mom and Dad dropped me off at Bible School, or the day I met Warren and especially the two days in my life when I gave birth to my babies and yes, you were there for every scream. August 24th is another one of those days that changed my life, and there are days when it feels like it wrecked my life, I don't know if I will ever be the same. My heart is still in a million pieces and every attempt I have made to pick it all up and try to put it back together again just overwhelms me. What I wouldn't do for one of your hugs right now, and hear your voice say, "It's gonna be okay".

I have always prided myself on being the "strong one", but I don't think I can where that label anymore. I use to think I could handle anything that life brought me, I use to think that I could fix anything, and if it needed to be done-well, you know, I could do it! Instead I have allowed myself to become angry, I have shut everyone out including God because I am ashamed of the condition of my heart. This just wasn't in the plan, this wasn't suppose to happen.


I have thought many times in the past few months how we, me especially, take people for granted. I live my life and forget that God never guarantees us a tomorrow. I have beaten myself black and blue for not saying all things that I should have said to you, I just thought you would always be here.


So here I am, wondering how should I "celebrate" your birthday. Balloons, presents, and momma's delicious cake just doesn't seem fitting. Maybe I'll go get that tattoo that I have been wanting to get, since you were 2 up on me! Somehow I will find my way through this day and the next and the next, but I want you to know how very much I love you and how very much I miss you! Life will never be the same!


You made a HUGE impact on everyone you met. I hope you know, you made a difference in so many lives; your children, your friends, Mom and Dad, and especially me! You ARE AND WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART!


So today, as we stumble through celebrating your 37th birthday on earth, I hope you celebrate your 1st Birthday in heaven with balloons, a big party and lots of gifts-I am saving yours until we meet again....


Happy Birthday Wade! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

Crying Out

Searching for the light at the end of the tunnel
But for this moment the sun has refused to shine
Trying to climb out of the pit that has held me captive
But with every step upward, I get weaker until I fall deeper back

I can no longer feel the beams of the sun as their arms stretch from the sky
I see the trees swaying, but I no longer feel the coolness of the breeze
The birds fly, but their songs I do not hear
The flowers bloom, but their colors I cannot see

My voice has been silenced
I cry out, but no one hears
I have lost my way, and my destination is uncertain
My heart broken and my hope lost

I long for the rains to come
Rain to beat down from above and upon my soul
To fill, renew and restore
I am dry and thirsty

I long to hear the voice of the One who knows all
To feel His touch and His embrace
To see his power and experience His healing
A Heart Healed and Hope restored

Finding Strength

There are days I have said, "I can't do it anymore, I don't have the strength to go one step further". I have had to chain my feet to the ground in order to stay put and not run. Somehow I have managed to make it through the last 3 years and find strength I never knew I had. Sometimes it's been like reaching down into a barrell in which I thought was completly empty and finding there was just enough to sustain me a little while longer. And each time when I think I have nothing left, I reach down a little deeper than the last time and there I find the strength to keep on, once again.

Tumultuous is the only way I can describe the last three years.
Tumultuous: 1. full of tumult or riotousness; marked by disturbance and uproar.
2. raising a great clatter and commotion; disorderly or noisy:
3. highly agitated, as the mind or emotions; distraught; turbulent.
Websters says, "marked by violent or overwhelming turbulence or upheaval. Yea, you could say that. It was as if a tornado came through and ripped through my life uprooting, destroying, and removing most everything in its path. Though difficult to grasp, looking back, I can see much of what was destroyed wasn't needed or wasn't good for me anyway.

I have always prided myself on being a strong, self-reliant, independant person, if something needs to get done I can do it, I can make it happen. The storm has zapped me of my strength and no matter what I have done to "fix" all this it hasn't worked. Which makes a person who is always in control completely spin out of control - not a great feeling. I have tried to fix and change it, but nothing has worked, in fact, I may have made more of a mess.

In my endeavor to loose 60 unwanted pounds I started on a weight loss adventure in January. Everything was going great until May when I hit the weight loss wall. I have been stuck at the same weight for the past 5 weeks, so listening to some advice I changed up my routine and took up mountain biking. I still havn't lost, but I am totally enjoying it. I have managed over the last month to build up to riding 10 miles 4-5 times a week. I have even done a 30 mile ride and there is a 60 mile benefit ride this summer that I am working towards doing. All I can say is ENDURANCE! It takes a while to build up your endurance, riding for long periods of time, and like riding the last 3 years has had at least one positive impact and that is endurance.

I have had to learn to depend on God for just about everything in my life, not an easy task for me. I am still learning to sit still, which is not easy and at times seems I will never pass this one. It has been a completely lonely time, and I am having to learn how to be content with that. I am so used to being around people - seems no matter where I go these days I go it alone. EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING for an extrovert.

God must have a big plan if He equipping me for the long haul. As I sit here today and reflect over the past few years I realize I have come too far to turn back. Maybe, just maybe, God wanted to empty me out and make me realize that it's not about me and my strengths, my talents, my gifts, or my ability to make it happen, but instead it's about trusting Him, leaning on Him, relying on Him, being dependant on Him and having faith in Him. That it's not about my dreams, but His plan for my life!

So maybe you are are where I am, looking at storm damage wondering how anything good could come of this and trying to find the strength to move forward. Reach a little deeper, it really is there.

It has been almost nine months since my brother left this life and entered into eternity. That Sunday morning in August when I got the news I was broken, hurt, and shocked. It took a couple of months to really realize that it wasn't just a dream that it was reality. Once reality set in, a sadness came on me that I had never experience before. I had experienced death in my life, but this was different. It didn't compare to when my grandparents died, or an uncle or even a friend; the pain penetrated so deep.

After I got through the intense sadness I began to ask God all kinds of questions, none of which have been answered. The more I asked, the madder I got. I just couldn't understand why my brother. Why know? Why him? Why? Why? and more Why's. I became very angry, mostly at God and then at myself. I was born and raised in church, attended Bible School and at the age of eight I knew that God had a plan for my life. I desired to serve him, it was my passion and my dream to be used by God in anyway that He wanted. There were several nights I would take off in my car and just drive and I would yell and scream at God. I was so angry with Him.

Here's what I have learned: (So Far)

1. Grief is a process - you can't put a time limit on it. Some people seem to come out of it as fast as they went in for others it can takes months and even years to get through.

2. Grief is different for everyone - some people never cry, never talk about it, and never show any outward expression of it. Some people, like me, go through it and cry, kick, scream, have a great need to talk about it, get angry, and then repeat the whole thing over again.

3. God can handle it - He is a BIG God and He has BIG shoulders, he can handle us getting mad even at him. He can handle us blaming him. He doesn't get mad at us, he can handle it and He never stops loving us through it! It's okay, to be mad, just don't linger there.

I am not sure what it was, Warren say's it was the Rod Steward song Todd sang at church on Sunday - "Have I told you lately", but I woke Monday and I just felt all the anger I had was gone. I felt different, things were clearer, brighter, better. I think for me it was a combination of a lot of things; things people said to me, songs sung, hugs given, love shown, encouragement spoken, but above all PERMISSION TO GRIEVE!

I can't say there won't be bad days ahead because I know there will. I miss Wade. I loved him! He was my brother, but I have an eternal perspective. August 24th was not the end even though for me it felt like it. August 24th was the beginning! I will see him again and when I do he will be standing at Heaven's gates waiting for me with his big goofy smile, and his arms outstreached to me.

Many times we don't understand God's ways, I know I don't, but He knows the beginning and the end.

Good people pass away;the godly often die before their time.But no one seems to care or wonder why.No one seems to understandthat God is protecting them from the evil to come.

The Lord our God has secrets known to no one. We are not accountable for them, but we and our children are accountable forever for all that he has revealed to us, so that we may obey all the terms of these instructions.

God is Good and His mercy never fails.

He will NEVER LEAVE or FORSAKE us!

Foundations

Thoughts roll around in my tiny little brain all the time, but for the last couple of weeks I have had one that I just can't seem to let go of.


A couple of Wednesday nights ago Pastor Marty, our pastor at Stevens Creek, was giving a message on the many reasons how Stevens Creek has gotten to where it is today. There were a few reasons, one being the spirit of unity that has been cultivated there, which I have to totally agree with. When you walk in the doors of Stevens Creek you can feel the difference; visit others churches and you will see and feel the difference. I have walked into many churches and didn't know a soul and could sense the strife that exists behind all the smiling faces. You can feel it! It is those churchses that I must admit I run from. If unity does not exist in the leaders you cannot expect to find it within the members. Everything rises and falls on leadership.


This great principal doesn't just pertain to churches, but businesses, families, marriages and other areas. Have you ever walked into someones house to visit and you start feeling angry and aggitated. You are greeted by your hosts and their lovely children, but you just can't shake the feeling. Spend a little time getting to know them and you will begin to see cracks that linger in the foundation on which they are built. They don't get along, they fight constantly, the house is constantly in strife and the kids are in rebellion.


I am convinced that how something begins will determine its destiny or if you will - the building is only as good as the foundaton it is built upon. The key to building a quality home lies in the foundation. I will give a prime example of this, but I will have to withhold names. A developer had a wonderful idea to build some condominums in North Augusta a few years ago. Great idea? Well, the condo's were "pre-sold" in order to raise capital for the project. The idea seemed great at the time and many "investors" showed to bid on these condo's with hopes that after they were built they could resell them for more than they invested in them. A fast way to make a little money or so they thought. A year into the project they were still not done, after two years they were not done. "Investors" started to get a little nervous. Finally, as the day drew closer to some of the condo's being complete problems construction became quite evident. Some of the foundations were cracking, there were leaks in the roofs that would not only effect the top floor, water would run straight down to the bottom and the list of problems went on and on. It became apparent that something was going on, work wasn't being completed, and no one could get in touch with the developer. "Investors" wanted there money back. The ones who stayed in tried to sell their condo and people wern't buying. Finally, the condo's went on the auction block selling for much less then what they were originally to be sold for and still no one purchased. To this day many of those properties stand tall, but not proud, empty.

The Bible is full of words instructing us on how to build, we find many references to the foundation. The integrity of the foundation is crucial to the structure that will be built upon it. Hmm!

So as my mind rolls around these many thoughts I can't help but reflect on choices we make that cause flaws to the very foundation of our being. Businesses and churches that start out as a result of being upset at one place so I'll go start my own. We have to be so careful to walk in integrity - "unless the Lord build the house we labor in vein." I have been in places were there was so much strife that it even began to enter into my house. Warren and I would fight and bicker and couldn't figure out why until we looked at what and where we were hanging. Who and what we had submitted ourselves to.

I'll be transparent here and give you an example from my own life. I met Warren when I was a 2nd year Bible School student. I fell head over heals in love and I knew in my heart that I would spend the rest of my life with him. For several months while I was in school in New York he was here in South Carolina we wrote letter to each other. We racked up huge phone bills and the UPS man made so many deliveries to my dorm room that I am sure he had to buy a new pair of shoes every month. When I finally got home to South Carolina we made a wrong choice and as a result of that choice I found myself in tears as I read a positive result on a pregnancy test.

The pastor did everything in his power to talk us into giving the baby up for adoption. Warren's mom did not want us married. In fact, they had a "special" elders meeting to discuss weather or not we should get married or not. WOW! No doubt, neither Warren or I were prepared to be parents, but we loved each other and we knew we wanted to be together. But, our rough beginning made a very rough journey. We have had to overcome a lot of things that many people who marrry don't have to. I fought a huge battle with guilt and shame for many years. We struggled financially because neither of us had good jobs to support ourselves much less a baby. But we stuck it out and only my God's grace, mercy, love, and strength have we been able to make it 17 years. God has had reconstruct many areas of our lives because of decisions we made that were very wrong.

I will add that I am so glad that Warren and I didn't listen to our pastor and give our baby up. Michael has been such a joy and blessing to us! God has used him so much to bring healing to my life.

I am very big on the biblical teaching of authority and submission. I am very careful with who I submit myself to. I know the consequences of submitting myself to the wrong things and people. It is very important to me to submit myself to leaders who are healthy, functional, and have a sure and solid foundation. Everything rises and falls on leadership. It starts at the head and it flows on down. So I when I look at the places that will affect me and my family I strongly look at the leaders; the relationship they have with one another, the relationship they have with their families, with their children, then I look at the members of that organization and how they relate to each other. How do they handle conflict? How do they talk about people?

My foundation is very important to me. I want the structure that is being built upon it to stand the test of time and when the storm comes I want to be the house that is still standing.

"Depersonalizing" My Life

I have just about got my house in order. It has been cleaned, painted, updated, decluttered and now "depersonalized". We are getting ready to make the big move to Columbia County, selling our home in North Augusta and moving to Evans.

One of the things that people who stage homes will tell you to do is "depersonalize" your home. So we have taken on this huge task and repainted everything to more neutral colors, put new carpet in, taken down all the family pictures, and removed all the cutsie things and in its place added items that are more appealing to people looking at new homes. For instance, all my cute Moose teddy bears I collect are now packed away and the family pictures are now just a memory in my mind. I have gone through every closet and hauled off stuff I never knew I had; clothes that didn't fit that I thought "one day" I will where that again. Deep in the dark places of some of my closets cobwebs and dust were removed. I think I keep a clean home, but I was amazed to find dirt in places that I hadn't looked in a while.

The whole idea behind depersonalizing your home involves removing items that would distract a buyer from seeing their stuff in my home. Making it theirs even before they sign a contract. The process is difficult and at times sad. Putting away all the pictures that make a house a home, packing the items away that bring personality to a room, especially a my two teenage boys.

As I was painting my living room last night and thinking about this whole idea of depersonalizing I thought about how that relates to my own life. Isn't it funny how sometimes God comes in and He takes on the task of depersonalizing our lives. Removing the the clutter, cleaning, and getting into the places of our heart that nobody has ever been much less seen. Places I have hidden away because the pain of dealing with it seems too overwhelming, but in order to move forward to something new it has to be done.

It's hard to admit but there are places in my heart that I have hidden away from everyone. I won't let anyone come near for fear they will see the dust and dirt that has gathered in the dark corners of my life. Still even harder to admit, sometimes I don't even want God coming near it. It's just too painful! It hurts and over the last couple of years I have an incredible inability to trust. I have put my walls up and decided to protect myself from even more hurt, but then I get frustrated because I want to move forward, have relationships and be all that God wants me to be and God say's okay but we have to "depersonalize".

Seems I have associated depersonalization with loss. I guess because over the past few years I have experienced a great deal of it. Loss of ministry, loss of a church family, loss of friends, loss of my brother, loss of things I enjoy and loss of the feeling of belonging; not fitting. Sometimes I can't help but feeling like the Titanic - this great "unsinkable" ship in all its beauty with its treasures sitting at the bottom of the dark ocean floor waiting to be discovered; to be unearthed and brought up from deep, cleaned off, so that others may see the beauty that tragedy had hidden in its depths.

On Friday my house will have a for sale sign in the front yard and people will begin to pour through and soon we will be sitting around a table signing papers on our new home; a new beginning. The moving truck will back up to the door and I will begin unpacking all the pictures and items that made my house a home; things that brought joy to myself and my family. All of the dust and dirt will be gone and once again I will be able to enjoy the good things.

Hopefully soon I will be able to unpack the good things in my life, the things that once brought joy to my life and thouse around me. Those hidden treasures that have been sitting on the bottom of the ocean floor, no longer hidden, but displayed and used for the purpose they were fashioned for.