It has been almost nine months since my brother left this life and entered into eternity. That Sunday morning in August when I got the news I was broken, hurt, and shocked. It took a couple of months to really realize that it wasn't just a dream that it was reality. Once reality set in, a sadness came on me that I had never experience before. I had experienced death in my life, but this was different. It didn't compare to when my grandparents died, or an uncle or even a friend; the pain penetrated so deep.

After I got through the intense sadness I began to ask God all kinds of questions, none of which have been answered. The more I asked, the madder I got. I just couldn't understand why my brother. Why know? Why him? Why? Why? and more Why's. I became very angry, mostly at God and then at myself. I was born and raised in church, attended Bible School and at the age of eight I knew that God had a plan for my life. I desired to serve him, it was my passion and my dream to be used by God in anyway that He wanted. There were several nights I would take off in my car and just drive and I would yell and scream at God. I was so angry with Him.

Here's what I have learned: (So Far)

1. Grief is a process - you can't put a time limit on it. Some people seem to come out of it as fast as they went in for others it can takes months and even years to get through.

2. Grief is different for everyone - some people never cry, never talk about it, and never show any outward expression of it. Some people, like me, go through it and cry, kick, scream, have a great need to talk about it, get angry, and then repeat the whole thing over again.

3. God can handle it - He is a BIG God and He has BIG shoulders, he can handle us getting mad even at him. He can handle us blaming him. He doesn't get mad at us, he can handle it and He never stops loving us through it! It's okay, to be mad, just don't linger there.

I am not sure what it was, Warren say's it was the Rod Steward song Todd sang at church on Sunday - "Have I told you lately", but I woke Monday and I just felt all the anger I had was gone. I felt different, things were clearer, brighter, better. I think for me it was a combination of a lot of things; things people said to me, songs sung, hugs given, love shown, encouragement spoken, but above all PERMISSION TO GRIEVE!

I can't say there won't be bad days ahead because I know there will. I miss Wade. I loved him! He was my brother, but I have an eternal perspective. August 24th was not the end even though for me it felt like it. August 24th was the beginning! I will see him again and when I do he will be standing at Heaven's gates waiting for me with his big goofy smile, and his arms outstreached to me.

Many times we don't understand God's ways, I know I don't, but He knows the beginning and the end.

Good people pass away;the godly often die before their time.But no one seems to care or wonder why.No one seems to understandthat God is protecting them from the evil to come.

The Lord our God has secrets known to no one. We are not accountable for them, but we and our children are accountable forever for all that he has revealed to us, so that we may obey all the terms of these instructions.

God is Good and His mercy never fails.

He will NEVER LEAVE or FORSAKE us!