I Must!

I decided to turn in a little early tonight, so Scruffy and I headed for the bed and before my head could hit the pillow Scruffy was already snoring.

As I laid on my pillow trying to quiet my mind from all the thoughts that race through my head I began to recall the many events that have taken place over the last few years of my life. For me, it has been some of the most difficult, darkest, and dryest days of my life. Many days I pray and it seems my words just hit a rubber ceiling and bounce right back to me. I wonder, "does God hear me", "is He still working on my behalf?". I can't feel him and I haven't heard His voice is so long and then I recall a scripture.

The Lord has hidden himself from his people, but I trust him and place my hope in him. Isaiah 8:17

As I laid there I knew that was not only correct, but it was true for me. I do trust him even though He feels like he's a million miles away.

It is so easy to worship God and be thankful when we are standing on the mountain top and God is close; you can feel him, and you can hear his voice. But when your in the valley and you can't see him, you can't feel him, you can't hear him and you feel like he has completely walked out on you it becomes a challenge. When hours of distance and silence turn into days and days into months and months into years the challenge becomes even greater. There are times I don't feel like worshipping, there are even times when it seems my hands are so heavy I just can't seem to lift them up to worship.

A girl who I graduated high school with reconnected with me through facebook this week and she has been such an encouragement to me. Today she wrote me and sent a scripture that just reminded me that at times God takes us through a refinning process and it's painful, but the glory is just around the corner.

The question I have to keep asking myself during this time is: are you going to continue to love, trust, worship and obey God despite the fact that you cannot feel, see, or hear him? And then I am reminded that worship is not a feeling. Sometimes he removes the feeling...I can't be moved by a feeling or an experience. I have to continue to trust that no matter how I feel, God is still God and he is still here and he has not left me, nor will he ever. He is refinning me and taking me to a whole new level with him - a deeper level; a place I have never been before.

I must continue to worship and trust him no matter what. I must allow him to continue the good work that he has begun. I must continue to worship despite the pain, despite the darkness, and despite the silence. I must continue to trust him - he has a great plan for my life and he will bring me through. I must continue to love him even though I cannot feel him or hear him. I must.