I spent two days sick in bed this week. I hate being sick, for me laying in bed all day, sniffling, sneezing, coughing and aching feels more like punishment than recovering from a virus. I wish I could say that I had super faith and told that sickness to leave my body, but that would be a lie. Truth is I barely had the strength to get myself out of bed to get a drink so that I wouldn't dehydrate. On Thursday morning I woke early and knew that I would have to force myself into my office even though I knew I needed another day home and that's when God began to speak to my heart.
It wasn't an audible voice, it didn't sound like thunder, but I knew in my heart that God was stirring something in me as asked me, "Where have you seen my hand?". Where have I seen His hand, I admit I had to pause and really think about that for a moment, but I has I began to think about the obvious those small places that in the moment I never recognized I know began to see.
I have seen him on the mountaintop when life was going good and nothing could get me down. I have seen him in the valley when the size of the mountain seemed too big to climb. I have seen him in wilderness when I was hurt and lost and couldn't find my way out. I have seen him when I tried to make it all happen and when I couldn't seem to find the strength to let go. I have seen him in my children's eyes. I have felt him when my husband wrapped his arms around me tight. I have seen him when I was lonely and couldn't see the light for the darkness all around. I have seen him in my hurt and pain when life broke my heart into a million pieces and left me wondering how it would all go back together again. I have seen him in my grief. I have seen him in my sickness. I have seen him my loses and in my victories. I have seen him when the wind blows. I have heard as the waves crashed onto the shore. I have seen him in the stars in the sky. I have seen him heal and put all back together again. I have seen him in my marriage. I have seen him when I thought I didn't deserve it, he gave it anyway. I have seen Him when I come into his presence to worship him.
Truth is I have seen his hand in my life so many times and places in my life. There are times when I have thought he had left me, and I would cry out from the depths of my heart, but he had NEVER left me, He was always there! Sometimes we need to just take a moment to look around and see that he is there and he is at work in our lives. His promises are true and we can trust in what he says!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
I Want to Hear His Heartbeat for Me!
A few years ago I began a journey into the desert. I don't think I recall waking up one morning and saying hmmm! I think I will take a trip to the desert, but none the less here I am.
At the start of this journey I had a lot of baggage - you know hurts, disappointments, desires, dreams, passions, sorrows, and griefs. I carried these with me until one by one I chose to lay them down in order to continue on with my journey. They were heavy, too heavey for me to carry.
Today, I find myself empty; it's just me, God and the desert. I have found myself just crying out for God to come and fill me; to quench this thirst that I have that I know only He can quench. I have come to the place where I have laid face first in the sand and praying NOT MINE, BUT YOUR WILL BE DONE! I dont want my plans, my dreams, my desires, my hurts, my pains, my sorrow - I want Him!
The road hasn't been easy, in fact it has been painful and for most of this experience I have hid myself behind walls that I have built because I didn't want anyone to see my pain. I have felt as if I was laying on an operating table, cut from one end to the other and my insides just exposed to everyone around.
Throughout the journey I have kick, screamed, complained, and I think I may let a few cuss words slip, I have had to ask God for forgiveness many times, but I have also learned a lot about my Father and about myself. I have come to a place of extreme thrist - all I want is more of God - more of who he is - I want him to fill me with more of him, more of his power - I can't seem to get enough these days.
He has brought me to a place of total surrender! A place where the scripture says, "It is not I that lives, but Christ in me" This is not a bad thing, it's a great thing.
In this place and as I surrendered each piece of baggage, he has brought healing to so many areas of my life. I found peace and contentment. I have learned that He has a plan; a plan to prosper me and NOT to harm me. He is good!!! I have learned that I can lay it all down and trust in Him! He truly carries me and he sustains me! My life has no meaning or purpose without him!!!
I think sometimes God allows us to go through the desert so that we will lay it down, surrender to him and come to a place of where we cry out, "less of me and more of you." A place where we long for him and only him. We seek his face and not his hand. A place where we lay our head on his chest and just listen to his heartbeat for us!!!
Today, I just want to hear HIS HEARTBEAT for me!
At the start of this journey I had a lot of baggage - you know hurts, disappointments, desires, dreams, passions, sorrows, and griefs. I carried these with me until one by one I chose to lay them down in order to continue on with my journey. They were heavy, too heavey for me to carry.
Today, I find myself empty; it's just me, God and the desert. I have found myself just crying out for God to come and fill me; to quench this thirst that I have that I know only He can quench. I have come to the place where I have laid face first in the sand and praying NOT MINE, BUT YOUR WILL BE DONE! I dont want my plans, my dreams, my desires, my hurts, my pains, my sorrow - I want Him!
The road hasn't been easy, in fact it has been painful and for most of this experience I have hid myself behind walls that I have built because I didn't want anyone to see my pain. I have felt as if I was laying on an operating table, cut from one end to the other and my insides just exposed to everyone around.
Throughout the journey I have kick, screamed, complained, and I think I may let a few cuss words slip, I have had to ask God for forgiveness many times, but I have also learned a lot about my Father and about myself. I have come to a place of extreme thrist - all I want is more of God - more of who he is - I want him to fill me with more of him, more of his power - I can't seem to get enough these days.
He has brought me to a place of total surrender! A place where the scripture says, "It is not I that lives, but Christ in me" This is not a bad thing, it's a great thing.
In this place and as I surrendered each piece of baggage, he has brought healing to so many areas of my life. I found peace and contentment. I have learned that He has a plan; a plan to prosper me and NOT to harm me. He is good!!! I have learned that I can lay it all down and trust in Him! He truly carries me and he sustains me! My life has no meaning or purpose without him!!!
I think sometimes God allows us to go through the desert so that we will lay it down, surrender to him and come to a place of where we cry out, "less of me and more of you." A place where we long for him and only him. We seek his face and not his hand. A place where we lay our head on his chest and just listen to his heartbeat for us!!!
Today, I just want to hear HIS HEARTBEAT for me!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Memories of Home
I went back to my old stomping grounds last night to attend a memorial service for a friend of ours. I was very nervous about going back, I haven't been back in almost 4 years. All day yesterday it seemed I walked down memory lane and the more I thought the more I seemed to tear up.
It all started when I opened facebook yesterday and my very good friend Julie posted a video of another very good friend, Benji, singing James Brown's "I Feel Good". I have known Benji and Shawna for 10 years and I worked alongside Benji at Grace Fellowship in North Augusta for many of those. When I first met them they only had two children and then along came Eli and then I was there in the hospital room rubbing Shawna's feet just minutes before Leanna was born. Needless to say, our families had been very close and then life happens and time and space seems place distance between you. At times, I couldn't hold back the tears.
Yesterday afternoon, I was reading the paper and learned that a friend who we knew from Grace had passed. I knew I needed to go, but at the same time I was nervous about going back.
The kids and I drove into the parking lot and I sat and looked at the building in which I watched being built - brick by brick. I was there at every meeting when the colors were chosen, the furnishings were picked out the carpets installed, the lot cleared, the parking lot paved, I rode to the top of the ceiling in the scissor lift, Warren and Benji installed every wire and every piece of equipment for the sound system and I was there when the foundation was laid. A piece of my heart is in that place. I helped paint the children's wing, and I sang "Lord You're Holy" on the first Sunday in October that doors finally opened for our first service.
More important than all the things that were ever done in that building was the relationships that were built. We were close, we were family, and we were there for each other. I don't ever remember a Sunday eating at a restaurant by myself. Every Sunday was about seeing how many tables we needed to pull together to fit us all at one. Every summer was about spending one whole day at the lake as a church family, eating, swimming, boating and of course Tim Robinson trying his best to throw me off the tube while tubing behind his boat...He never did do it!!! And every Christmas was about bring as many people together to decorate the church. Carldeen had a talent for pulling people together and making a building look like a picture out of a magazine. Tuesday nights were about praise team practice...oh the hard time the vocalists use to give Benji, I admit I was the worse and who could forget "Rockonica"!
I didn't make it into the door when Michele Smith grabbed me and we had ourselves a good cry/hug session. It was so good to see everyone and reconnect - for me it was like home.
As I sat in my seat remembering all the songs I sang from that stage, I glanced over at my old office and remembered all the hours I spent in there and then I remembered all the leadership lessons that Pastor Phillip taught me. He and Diana took me under their wings and poured their lives into me and taught so much about leadership and grace. I will never forget the one thing that he always said over and over, "People are the most important thing, not your job, but people".
I appreciated the fellowship time that followed the service - it gave me a chance to reconnect and laugh - Dolly Morris, among other talents, has the ability to tell stories and make you laugh to point of tears. I really needed that.
As I drove away last night, I couldn't help recall the days events. I grew up (spiritually speaking) at Grace, it's home to me. When I was a child I lived with my parents until I was old enough to move out and then I established my own home. Grace is like that for me; it's home, but I grew up and one day we decided it was time to leave and begin another chapter - make another home for ourselves - where God could grow us even more. Grace is still home, that is still my family and I will always treasure the memories. God did some amazing things in my life there and I will forever be grateful.
I love you all so much!!! Thank you for opening your arms and welcoming me home!!!
It all started when I opened facebook yesterday and my very good friend Julie posted a video of another very good friend, Benji, singing James Brown's "I Feel Good". I have known Benji and Shawna for 10 years and I worked alongside Benji at Grace Fellowship in North Augusta for many of those. When I first met them they only had two children and then along came Eli and then I was there in the hospital room rubbing Shawna's feet just minutes before Leanna was born. Needless to say, our families had been very close and then life happens and time and space seems place distance between you. At times, I couldn't hold back the tears.
Yesterday afternoon, I was reading the paper and learned that a friend who we knew from Grace had passed. I knew I needed to go, but at the same time I was nervous about going back.
The kids and I drove into the parking lot and I sat and looked at the building in which I watched being built - brick by brick. I was there at every meeting when the colors were chosen, the furnishings were picked out the carpets installed, the lot cleared, the parking lot paved, I rode to the top of the ceiling in the scissor lift, Warren and Benji installed every wire and every piece of equipment for the sound system and I was there when the foundation was laid. A piece of my heart is in that place. I helped paint the children's wing, and I sang "Lord You're Holy" on the first Sunday in October that doors finally opened for our first service.
More important than all the things that were ever done in that building was the relationships that were built. We were close, we were family, and we were there for each other. I don't ever remember a Sunday eating at a restaurant by myself. Every Sunday was about seeing how many tables we needed to pull together to fit us all at one. Every summer was about spending one whole day at the lake as a church family, eating, swimming, boating and of course Tim Robinson trying his best to throw me off the tube while tubing behind his boat...He never did do it!!! And every Christmas was about bring as many people together to decorate the church. Carldeen had a talent for pulling people together and making a building look like a picture out of a magazine. Tuesday nights were about praise team practice...oh the hard time the vocalists use to give Benji, I admit I was the worse and who could forget "Rockonica"!
I didn't make it into the door when Michele Smith grabbed me and we had ourselves a good cry/hug session. It was so good to see everyone and reconnect - for me it was like home.
As I sat in my seat remembering all the songs I sang from that stage, I glanced over at my old office and remembered all the hours I spent in there and then I remembered all the leadership lessons that Pastor Phillip taught me. He and Diana took me under their wings and poured their lives into me and taught so much about leadership and grace. I will never forget the one thing that he always said over and over, "People are the most important thing, not your job, but people".
I appreciated the fellowship time that followed the service - it gave me a chance to reconnect and laugh - Dolly Morris, among other talents, has the ability to tell stories and make you laugh to point of tears. I really needed that.
As I drove away last night, I couldn't help recall the days events. I grew up (spiritually speaking) at Grace, it's home to me. When I was a child I lived with my parents until I was old enough to move out and then I established my own home. Grace is like that for me; it's home, but I grew up and one day we decided it was time to leave and begin another chapter - make another home for ourselves - where God could grow us even more. Grace is still home, that is still my family and I will always treasure the memories. God did some amazing things in my life there and I will forever be grateful.
I love you all so much!!! Thank you for opening your arms and welcoming me home!!!
Friday, May 28, 2010
I Must!
I decided to turn in a little early tonight, so Scruffy and I headed for the bed and before my head could hit the pillow Scruffy was already snoring.
As I laid on my pillow trying to quiet my mind from all the thoughts that race through my head I began to recall the many events that have taken place over the last few years of my life. For me, it has been some of the most difficult, darkest, and dryest days of my life. Many days I pray and it seems my words just hit a rubber ceiling and bounce right back to me. I wonder, "does God hear me", "is He still working on my behalf?". I can't feel him and I haven't heard His voice is so long and then I recall a scripture.
The Lord has hidden himself from his people, but I trust him and place my hope in him. Isaiah 8:17
As I laid there I knew that was not only correct, but it was true for me. I do trust him even though He feels like he's a million miles away.
It is so easy to worship God and be thankful when we are standing on the mountain top and God is close; you can feel him, and you can hear his voice. But when your in the valley and you can't see him, you can't feel him, you can't hear him and you feel like he has completely walked out on you it becomes a challenge. When hours of distance and silence turn into days and days into months and months into years the challenge becomes even greater. There are times I don't feel like worshipping, there are even times when it seems my hands are so heavy I just can't seem to lift them up to worship.
A girl who I graduated high school with reconnected with me through facebook this week and she has been such an encouragement to me. Today she wrote me and sent a scripture that just reminded me that at times God takes us through a refinning process and it's painful, but the glory is just around the corner.
The question I have to keep asking myself during this time is: are you going to continue to love, trust, worship and obey God despite the fact that you cannot feel, see, or hear him? And then I am reminded that worship is not a feeling. Sometimes he removes the feeling...I can't be moved by a feeling or an experience. I have to continue to trust that no matter how I feel, God is still God and he is still here and he has not left me, nor will he ever. He is refinning me and taking me to a whole new level with him - a deeper level; a place I have never been before.
I must continue to worship and trust him no matter what. I must allow him to continue the good work that he has begun. I must continue to worship despite the pain, despite the darkness, and despite the silence. I must continue to trust him - he has a great plan for my life and he will bring me through. I must continue to love him even though I cannot feel him or hear him. I must.
As I laid on my pillow trying to quiet my mind from all the thoughts that race through my head I began to recall the many events that have taken place over the last few years of my life. For me, it has been some of the most difficult, darkest, and dryest days of my life. Many days I pray and it seems my words just hit a rubber ceiling and bounce right back to me. I wonder, "does God hear me", "is He still working on my behalf?". I can't feel him and I haven't heard His voice is so long and then I recall a scripture.
The Lord has hidden himself from his people, but I trust him and place my hope in him. Isaiah 8:17
As I laid there I knew that was not only correct, but it was true for me. I do trust him even though He feels like he's a million miles away.
It is so easy to worship God and be thankful when we are standing on the mountain top and God is close; you can feel him, and you can hear his voice. But when your in the valley and you can't see him, you can't feel him, you can't hear him and you feel like he has completely walked out on you it becomes a challenge. When hours of distance and silence turn into days and days into months and months into years the challenge becomes even greater. There are times I don't feel like worshipping, there are even times when it seems my hands are so heavy I just can't seem to lift them up to worship.
A girl who I graduated high school with reconnected with me through facebook this week and she has been such an encouragement to me. Today she wrote me and sent a scripture that just reminded me that at times God takes us through a refinning process and it's painful, but the glory is just around the corner.
The question I have to keep asking myself during this time is: are you going to continue to love, trust, worship and obey God despite the fact that you cannot feel, see, or hear him? And then I am reminded that worship is not a feeling. Sometimes he removes the feeling...I can't be moved by a feeling or an experience. I have to continue to trust that no matter how I feel, God is still God and he is still here and he has not left me, nor will he ever. He is refinning me and taking me to a whole new level with him - a deeper level; a place I have never been before.
I must continue to worship and trust him no matter what. I must allow him to continue the good work that he has begun. I must continue to worship despite the pain, despite the darkness, and despite the silence. I must continue to trust him - he has a great plan for my life and he will bring me through. I must continue to love him even though I cannot feel him or hear him. I must.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Today I Will Celebrate My RISEN SAVIOR
It's 1 AM, Easter morning and I should be in bed, but all evening I have been feeling the need to write. I won't be able to sleep until I do what I feel is in my heart.
Today is Easter! The day we celebrate our RISEN SAVIOR! All day I have been overwhelmed with such gratitude! I serve a very real, very alive, very present, very loving savior.
I began thinking about my brother today and remember where God has brought me since that Sunday in August almost 2 years ago. I admit, the past 17 months haven't been easy, there have been some very difficult mountains to climb, and there were times I cried out and questioned God, there were times I was very angry and I tried to run away, but He was ALWAYS there! He never left me. He was ALWAYS faithful!
Today, I spent 2 hours on my bike just thanking God for all that he has done in my life. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, who is my very best friend. I have two unbelievable boys who are my heart! I have wonderful parents who spoil me. I have a neice and 2 nephews that we will spend the rest of our lives telling them how much their Daddy loved them, holding them, and walking with them through life. I have this AMAZING new home that I still can't believe is mine; it came during a time when I was so angry with God and yet He blessed me.
Today is Easter! The day I will celebrate My RISEN SAVIOR!
I am living proof that He can take whatever is broken and fix it, because just about everything in my life has been broken at one time or another. He can turn your mourning into dancing! He can take your broken heart and mend it! He can heal your disease! He can restore what has been taken from you! He can set you free from the things that seem hold you back! He will carry you! He can makes all things new!
There is no way I could have ever made it through these last 18 months without him. He has been my rock, my fortress, my strength, my comfortor, my counselor, my all in all! He will NEVER leave me or forsake me!
I miss my brother, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and shed a tear. I probably won't make it through today without shedding 500, but God will wipe my tears! And I will lift my hands to heaven and I will celebrate MY RISEN SAVIOR! He is GOOD! HE REALLY IS!!!
I am so thankful for all he has done in my life, so much that I don't even deserve, yet he does it anyway. He is madly in love with me! He is bent on my sucess! He is real in my life! He loved me so much that He GAVE, HE GAVE, His LIFE for me. I was a sinner and He died so that I could come boldly into his presence CLEAN, SPOTLESS, RIGHTEOUS. So that I could have LIFE and LIFE ABUNDANTLY!
Today is Easter! The day we celebrate our RISEN SAVIOR! All day I have been overwhelmed with such gratitude! I serve a very real, very alive, very present, very loving savior.
I began thinking about my brother today and remember where God has brought me since that Sunday in August almost 2 years ago. I admit, the past 17 months haven't been easy, there have been some very difficult mountains to climb, and there were times I cried out and questioned God, there were times I was very angry and I tried to run away, but He was ALWAYS there! He never left me. He was ALWAYS faithful!
Today, I spent 2 hours on my bike just thanking God for all that he has done in my life. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, who is my very best friend. I have two unbelievable boys who are my heart! I have wonderful parents who spoil me. I have a neice and 2 nephews that we will spend the rest of our lives telling them how much their Daddy loved them, holding them, and walking with them through life. I have this AMAZING new home that I still can't believe is mine; it came during a time when I was so angry with God and yet He blessed me.
Today is Easter! The day I will celebrate My RISEN SAVIOR!
I am living proof that He can take whatever is broken and fix it, because just about everything in my life has been broken at one time or another. He can turn your mourning into dancing! He can take your broken heart and mend it! He can heal your disease! He can restore what has been taken from you! He can set you free from the things that seem hold you back! He will carry you! He can makes all things new!
There is no way I could have ever made it through these last 18 months without him. He has been my rock, my fortress, my strength, my comfortor, my counselor, my all in all! He will NEVER leave me or forsake me!
I miss my brother, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and shed a tear. I probably won't make it through today without shedding 500, but God will wipe my tears! And I will lift my hands to heaven and I will celebrate MY RISEN SAVIOR! He is GOOD! HE REALLY IS!!!
I am so thankful for all he has done in my life, so much that I don't even deserve, yet he does it anyway. He is madly in love with me! He is bent on my sucess! He is real in my life! He loved me so much that He GAVE, HE GAVE, His LIFE for me. I was a sinner and He died so that I could come boldly into his presence CLEAN, SPOTLESS, RIGHTEOUS. So that I could have LIFE and LIFE ABUNDANTLY!
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